I know I'm in trouble

I know I'm in trouble again when..all I can think of is that same ONE person and he's constantly on my mind. AGAIN.

The Shit is gonna hit the fan.

The sinking feeling of PMS

I have no idea why god invented PMS. I mean, what good does it do besides making ourselves and also our men miserable? like seriously.

I've never been the kind to be hit hard by PMS, I know some friends who get it good. But me? it's mild at best. The thing I truly hate abt it though, is how overflowing the negative energy that comes with PMS is.

Tonight's performance @ J-Bar was ok, it got better by the last set. Mann and the boys gave me some pointers to work on, which i appreciates, I always do. (It's not easy for me as I've always been a stubborn ass, performers do have a certain level of ego, u gotta give me tt. But I've mellowed down so much in recent years, u wouldn't believe how scary I was last time.)

I realised i've still got a lot to learn and lotsa old habits to kick, and I've been trying to take in whatever pointers to improve, which I have been told I have(yay!) but today, i was just slightly sian again. Minor negativity set it, i think it showed on my face.lol.

After rationalizing, I figured it was the work of PMS so I'm going to sleep on it and wake up to a whole new level of positivity to keep improving myself instead of letting negativity get to me!

See? That's what PMS does to women. Men, I know it's tough, it's impossible and most of the time, it doesn't even add up BUT do try to understand. OK, fine. So sometimes, we are just using tt as excuses for everything.

But you guys have football and booze, we have PMS, it's fair.

Hmmm, maybe...god is female.

What it is with them that makes me think i'm the repulsive one?

Am I truly so repulsive that they have to behave so indifferently? That I cannot fathom.

I mean, true, I was showing signs of interest but newsflash: I'm not asking u to marry me. So i absolutely cannot comprehend why you guys have to go all COOL and distant. Please go one corner and cool your weird brain down, and ask yourself what you want.

You're not interested, i''m cool and so should you. Next step, just be normal friends. What's so tough about tt? If not, fine, thank you very much. I wish you well.

Grow up, all you so-called mature men. Jeez.

If you could read this, I miss you.

It's the middle of the night, 4.12am to be precise and I can't sleep. It has become a normal routine for me recently.

There are so many things going on in my life now and singing wise, it's good..i mean things are looking up and i'm supposed to be occupied but I feel so...empty. I guess i'm feeling the strain of trying to please everyone....i need to be alone for a while..wait, i'm already constantly alone, aren't I? I need a break..

And you're constantly on my mind recently..whenever i am down, I really wish so hard that you're still here with me, I miss you very much. And it scares me to know that it's getting harder and harder to remember your voice, cause it's been so long.

I know I should have treasured the times with you more, I know I could have been a better listener and company, I know I could have showed my love for you more often..then. But I guess i missed my chance long time ago and I need to tell you tt it's the greatest regret in my life. Human only learn how to treasure love ones after losing them, i'm just so sorry i gotta learn the hard way.

You need to know how sorry i am still, after 9 years. I hope you r well wherever you are cause you have been the greatest. If given a second chance, I would be a better listener, companion and daughter.

I wanna tell you I miss you so much and I've never told you this but I love you very much, Mom.